"on the train ride up i was fascinated to pass through the town of Katonah,
where my first love lived and made his namesake. the one who i later found
out commit suicide. he called himself Katonah! (with an explanation point)
for his last name. of course i couldn't see much from the train station.
i imagined walking around that town just to see where he lived, just to
see a glimpse of his life that by rights i should never know, a stray
ragment puzzle piece to his past. i guess i wanted to see the town,
to walk its streets in order to feel superhuman - to see and experience
what was immediately personal to his life but what he can never experience again.
it's like i would get to recreate him, or reinvoke him in myself, but a part of
him i never knew. the thrill would be any number of these things. but in
actuality, all i could see was the train station sign "Katonah" and
a few non-descript buildings and a street just behind the train station
called Katonah avenue.
how odd that he chose to call himself the name of the discarded town of his past,
a past which he renounced and refused to discuss beyond a few repeated words of scorn.
but it is a cool name. Katonah! i can even see why he liked the exclamation
it's an American Indian name, i'm sure. i wonder if it means something. maybe
he actually liked the town. maybe he just knew that no one else in the U.S.
would have heard of it, so he could borrow it for his name. i remember how
i discovered his real name on one of his prescription bottles and how upset
he was when i saw it, as if his cover were blown. i think i can still remember
his real last name. i feel sorry for his parents though i don't know what kind
of people they were since i never met them. i wonder if they still live in that
town and mourn him."
Source: excerpt from Dear World blog.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Posted by bobd at 4:15 PM